Live

You think I don't know what you see?
I know.
But do you see what's really there or what you want to be there?
Wake up to the truth.
Let it shine brighter than the sun when you wake.
It's not going anywhere,
So you might as well quit closing the blinds on it.
You can't keep it out,
Just like you can't keep out the cold.
It will penetrate your being,
And shock you into life.
Like an eel shocks it's prey,
Life will claim you,
Take you in,
And make you part of it's whole.
No escape or reprieve.
Why would you want there to be?
I've been sitting here waiting for my life to begin.
Now I realize that I have to get up and start it myself.
And so you must too.
No longer at rest, but in motion.
Moving so fast that you can't even breathe.
Don't forget to take a break once in a while.
Stop and smell the roses.
I always forgot to,
And I missed them in the winter.
Death's strong grip took them and me.
How could I not accept his hand?
I did.
I went gladly.
But you must stay awhile longer.
Live, but don't move too fast.
Keep being amazed, loved, hopeful, and thankful.
The only advice of any great importance that I can offer you would have to be this:
Love and Let Love, because without Love there can not be Life.....

Come Back

You think I don't see?
You think I don't care?
Well who the hell are you?

Fuck the dreams we used to share
They mean nothing to those silly kids there
Sitting on the curb with smoke in the air.

I wish I could make you stay
I miss the friend I used to have
I wish I could make him come back

This life's a sham
A shitty rendevouz between  death and you.
Give it up, just let go.

Why do you want control?
Let the good times roll.
Let the real one in.

Butterfly in Hand

The fog rolls in over my dreams.
My hopes have gone to waste.
Your love can do nothing for me now.

I'm too far away.
Too far to hear your screams;
Too far for you to hear mine.

I'm long gone by now.
Gone away to a world of my own making.
Where I'll never be scared or alone.

You can't come with me.
I'm terribly sorry darling.
This place is just for me.

I wish I could stay here in this world with you.
But I can't stay somewhere I do not belong.
A fish can;t live out of water.

So I will sink into the depths.
I'll let the water wash over my head,
I'll let it fill my lungs and drag me down.

I'm not afraid.
How could I be?
I made this land.

I'm going now.
You can't get me back.
Just like you can't keep a butterfly in your hand.

Words Unheard

The words are there,
On the tip of my tongue.
Or so she said.

My speech is impaired,
stuck with fear.
And then you said,
"Cat's got your tongue."

It's not fair.
You speak so eloquently with others.
But me, you halt and stutter.
Foot in your mouth.

Tell me the words I need to hear.
Write it out.
Thousands of letters left unsent.
Syllables never uttered.

Let them fly,
Out the window,
Down the drive.
And from your heart
Straight to mine.

Thank you St. Augustine

I recently remembered something I had read from St. Augustine that greatly impacted me and comforted me with something very personal I have been dealing with. Although, I think, everyone and anyone can probably relate to this quote, I at this point in time needed to be reminded of this. St. Augustine said, “God has one Son on Earth without sin, but never one without suffering.” I can’t believe something so simple yet so meaningful and carrying the weight of such importance was completely looked over at the time. It’s always a comfort to know that you’re not the only person in the world feeling weighted down by your burdens and insecurities and that God knows that. I felt for awhile that I was just crazy or being over dramatic about my issues, but now I am beginning to see that I’m only human and I’m not alone in my struggles. God is prepared for my brokenness and He loves me all the more for it especially when I lay my burdens down at His feet and give Him my absolute everything. It’s easy to spend time with God and be thankful when everything is peachy keen, but when life throws you a curve ball and it feels like your world  and mind are deteriorating, that’s when your faith is challenged and it becomes all the more important to stick with God and be reminded that He’s gonna stick with you too.

A love for me

Love me for who I am,
Just the simple me.
I'll never change, but I might grow.
You can grow with me, if you want to.
I would like you to.
To live a life of adventures and passion.
Because "to live would be an awfully big adventure."
But to live with you would be grand.
Strolling along the shore hand in hand.
I can see us now, in Italy,
Fiji, Greece, France, Brazil, and the mystic coastline of Ireland.
Just you, me and the rest of the world to conquer.
So come with me, and we shall see,
Where this life will take us.

Shine

I am doing this for me
Finally something for me
So please be happy
That I am here
And alive
No longer living in fear
Alone
I need to do this
Something just for me
Will you please understand?
I would like to know
That I go with your blessing
Please try to look past
Your self and your own needs
I can't worry about your feelings
Especially because I've never given a shit about my own
I placed myself on hold
But no longer
Today is my day
I will shine

The Decision

I thought I was done with this.
This feeling of being sick,
But in the best way possible.
This feeling that I'm about to explode,
But I await in anticipation.
I'm not scared or nervous when I'm with you.
It's like everything will actually be okay.
I wish I didn't feel this way,
Because I know where this path leads.
I've been down it before with you.
I can't keep holding on to a memory,
If that's all you want to be.
Love me or Leave me,
But you can't do em both.

I Don't Know You

Stop speaking of me as an object in the room
Made to be admired and boasted of.
If I wish to be spoken of as a painting on the wall then I will place a frame about my head.
Do not presume to know my interior,
My core,
My innermost thoughts and feelings.
Do not think that because you are here now that we are family or kin.
Quit calling me your relative, for I know you not.
I do not wish to be apart of your family, nor will I ever wish that.
Accept her if you want  and the others can follow too,
But I know I do not belong in this part of their lives,
And all the more I do not wish too.
I already have a family and you will never be apart of it.
So stop trying.
I refuse to let you in,
In my heart,
In my mind,
In my blood.
You've already stolen away the most precious bonds I have,
I'll not let you steal the ones I'm just barely grasping onto.

The Day I Died

I jumped off the pier today
Into the depths below I flew
Through a portal of Heaven and Earth
I glided gracefully alongside the mermaids and sirens
They laughed at my fingers and toes
Such sweet, melodious laughter that bubbles up from their souls.
I was invited to stay with them forever,
To live in their castle under the waves.
I wanted to stay, I was not afraid of leaving my world behind.
But something told me I could not, that I did not belong.
It was with sorrow and tears that they bade me farewell.
And I floated to the surface and broke through to the light.
I washed up on a foreign shore,
One unfamiliar to my maiden eyes.
Then a figure approached me,
He gently lifted me to my feet again.
He helped me walk on unsteady legs.
He led me to a firm rock and bid me wait.
I stayed, for so long I stayed.
I fell into a deep slumber,
When I awoke and my eyes were opened
The sun shone against my eyelashes and warmed my cheeks.
I stood on the pier once more,
Peering over its edge, unprotected, unguarded,
Then I turned around and walked away,
With the sun leading the way.

Shit

Why does everyone's shit have to hit the fan at the same time?
It's just a shit parade on my life.

An Ode to Life

You were right
You get "high" and I get "low"
I was wrong
I can't take it back now
What's done is done
So they sang "let it be, let it be"
But with quickening speed i feel it
My heart shattering like glass on the concrete
Not for you
Not for me
Not for anyone particular
Just the whole of society
This world we live in is fucked up beyond repair
Yet as i walk down the street I see the beauty that He intended
The smile of a baby, a couple of many years holding hands and strolling, a good Samaritan helping the needy
For were we not told to love the unloveable?
I still love you
Will you love me?
I miss the laughs, the jokes, the talks, the cries.
I miss your company as my companion
I wish more than anything that I could help you
I wish I could take your pain and take it on as my own
I wish you were happy without it
But it is not up to me
You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself
We don't love ourselves, you and I
You'll have to fix you
I'll have to fix me
That's the only way things can be done
There's a long road ahead
But I know you'll travel swiftly and truly, because you have the strength
I hope I can be strong too, an I hope I'll make it down that road as well
I hope we'll be able to meet up at the end
I do not want to lose one of my very best friends.

I'm sorry David

David, I failed you
I'm more sorry than you'll ever know
To me those words don't seem like enough
Probably because they aren't
I should have been there for you
I shouldn't have left
I abandoned you for my own selfish desires
When you needed me I was no where to be found
David, I failed you
I'm so sorry

Saved

I just want someone to see
I just want someone to hear
I just want to be happy
I just want to be saved

LIAR.

I feel it
I don't want to believe it
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.
Tell me it's not real
Tell me I didn't
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.
I wish I could be stronger
I wish it wasn't true
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.
Maybe I should accept it
Can I deny its truth?
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.

A simple prayer

Open me up Lord

Give me strength

Let love come easily

May forgiveness reign down

Make me renewed in You

Amen

untitled

Adore me if you must.
Love all that I am.
Follow me to the ends of the earth if you like.

I can not reciprocate your love.
My heart has hardened.
It has grown cold.
Blackened by the disappointments of this life.

All hope is gone.
All light is dark.
I wish it weren't so.
But what's the use of denying the truth?

I hope better for you though.
I hope you find true love.
I hope you find meaning where I could not.
I hope you discover every happiness.
I hope God blesses you extravagantly.

I have been lost to the polar darkness.
Lost to the sun and to its light.
Lost to life and love.
Lost to happiness and forgiveness.

Do not lose yourself as I have.
Keep striving for the stars and the moon.
Run after the wind with arms wide open.
Jump from hills with joy and land among clouds.
Let your imagination take you to the places of dreams.
Let your heart open itself to all who pass by.

Drink from the fountains of knowledge.
Eat from the fruit of Wisdom.
Partake in the feast of love.
Give yourself wholly and truly to Life Everlasting.

I hope to see you again soon.
Perhaps I am not so lost that I shall be denied at the gates.
For all I long for is peace and rest.
Joy and happiness.
Love and life.
Acceptance and Forgiveness.

It's not so far-fetched is it?

I don't exist

I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
Maybe if she says it enough it will come true.
Maybe He will take her away.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I dont' exist.
She repeats it over and over again.
Nothing happens, nothing ever happens.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
She's still sitting here in this lonely cafe.
Still sitting in her sorrow and pain.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
If she is destined to live can she ever die?
If she is destined to die can she ever live?

Loser of the Love Game

If you only knew then I would be ruined.
I can not let you in, not this time.
My heart beats its wings frantically.
It wants to fly far away from this feeling.
But what is it?
I don't want to know.
At least not yet I don't.
I think?
Do not ask me any questions,
For I can not tell you any lies,
But I can not tell you the truth either.
The words unsaid linger here,
In the space between us.
If I don't know what you feel than how can I tell you what I might feel?
They say all's fair in love and war,
But they lied.
Someone always loses.
And right now I'm the Loser.
Loser of the love game.
How much more tragic can this story get?
Can I catch a break sometime soon?
I take two steps forwards and somehow end up three steps back.
I will never pass "Go" or collect any reward.
I can hide and never be found.
But nobody ever won any game that way.
So I just sit here,
Stagnated.
The Loser of the love game.

A cry to Heaven

Dig me out O Lord.
Only you can.
I can not lift this mountain alone.
I need your helping hand.
Lift me up into your Kingdom.
I'm tired of feeling sad.
My bones are weary and my heart is sore.
Lord, please make it not hurt anymore.
I'm still a child.
But I'm far from innocent.
Lord, take me somewhere.
Where you can stay.
I'll follow you willingly.
Anytime, any day.

why I give up

abyss.
swallow me whole and make me black
dark, alone, a fleshy sack.
life.
alter me completely and make me shiny and new,
I am a fucked up rendition of what used to be you.
future.
you are foreboding and bleak,
strangle me with worries and make me weak.
heart.
you are a piece of shit that cries,
you can not control your wails that reach up to the skies.
soul.
you are lost and i am drowned,
we can not be saved from this cold ground.
Lord.
where are your footprints in the sand?
why will you not take me home by the hand?

Depravity caught

Why should I care about any of this shit that proclaims importance in society?
I can't grasp meaning in life.
I can't live a life of sheer spiritual depravity.
In a world sucking life out of the already dead.
I'm not okay.
I can not be.
I feel self-centered and hated by one and all at the carnival.

Why do you live in a universe of propriety and piety?
Lover of the works but not of the love behind them.
The bad that you overlook and brush under the rug,
It lives in your heart and festers your soul.
You smell of ingratitude and condemnation.
Caught like a fish on a hook,
your indecencies wash you ashore of your conscious.

Amnesia

Let me lose my sanity, if just for a short while.
Let me forget who I am, give me a small reprieve.
I do not understand this life, nor do I wish to see.
I can not listen to liars and thieves, who rob me of myself.
All that's left is a shell, a shadow of what was, and yet will never be.

Ribbons and Bows

Scratch and shred at the sinews keeping my heart in my chest.
No one knows, i keep myself together with ribbons and bows.
Tear and grind my mind from my skull.
I scream inside, I try to hide.
Rip and knash my lips from my mouth.
I'll speak no further of my questions and doubts.
And no one knows,
I keep myself together with ribbons and bows.

Little Weeper

Trickle down little weeper. Trickle your tears down to my cheeks. Taste my salty, sweet sorrows as they wash away the Clinique. Little weeper, you and I are the same. We cry out but hear no refrain. Little weeper do you cry as I do? Do you cry for lost innocence and childhood? I do. Cry, and Wisdom, she screams. Comfort her little weeper, and dry your tears. I cannot follow you though, but give Wisdom my regards when you join her in her home. I have more sorrows to sort through and more tears to shed. Little weeper, may you weep no more, for I must travel alone in pain, and now you will find company in joy.

Light of Hope

Could he not hear the silence that encroached upon him with frightening speed?
He did not know that he knew her name after all.
She ran towards him but ended up on the wrong side of the world.
He hid in his bottles and shadows as the light danced about his eyelashes.
She couldn't save him from what he sought.
Where does a good girl go to find the dark?
Where does a dark lad go to find the good?
Where can we meet in the middle?
They broke down at the end of the world
They fell off the side of the planet together and came back on the top.
She kissed his cheek with wet lips.
He kissed the tears from her lips.
They drew in new life from each others breath.
Fairytales are not real, but is love?
She wants to say yes but is afraid of the consequences.
She needs the light of the hope he left her with.
He needs her to keep her hope.
It breaks their hearts slowly.
Why can't they let go?
Let go.

gravediggers daughter

she screams in the night
she calls out for you
but you did not run to her
you did not rescue her
and now she lays in her grave
the one she dug herself
the one you buried her in

Can it be?

Can it be that I still love you? Maybe, but I don't want to. This isn't fair of you to keep me hanging on a string of hope. Hope that we'll have a second chance. Hope that we'll be together again. I can't keep living in this false hope that you've left me with. 


Can it be that I was wrong to love you? Maybe, but I don't want it to be. You said you'd love me forever yet here we are 5 months later and where are you? Not here. Where have you been? Not here. 


I wish you could hear my heart sob at night. Maybe then you'd understand. You'd understand that I'm not over you yet. You'd understand that I'm not ready to let go of you yet. 


I wish I didn't feel so pathetic, sympathetic, apathetic, everything.