The Decision

I thought I was done with this.
This feeling of being sick,
But in the best way possible.
This feeling that I'm about to explode,
But I await in anticipation.
I'm not scared or nervous when I'm with you.
It's like everything will actually be okay.
I wish I didn't feel this way,
Because I know where this path leads.
I've been down it before with you.
I can't keep holding on to a memory,
If that's all you want to be.
Love me or Leave me,
But you can't do em both.

I Don't Know You

Stop speaking of me as an object in the room
Made to be admired and boasted of.
If I wish to be spoken of as a painting on the wall then I will place a frame about my head.
Do not presume to know my interior,
My core,
My innermost thoughts and feelings.
Do not think that because you are here now that we are family or kin.
Quit calling me your relative, for I know you not.
I do not wish to be apart of your family, nor will I ever wish that.
Accept her if you want  and the others can follow too,
But I know I do not belong in this part of their lives,
And all the more I do not wish too.
I already have a family and you will never be apart of it.
So stop trying.
I refuse to let you in,
In my heart,
In my mind,
In my blood.
You've already stolen away the most precious bonds I have,
I'll not let you steal the ones I'm just barely grasping onto.

The Day I Died

I jumped off the pier today
Into the depths below I flew
Through a portal of Heaven and Earth
I glided gracefully alongside the mermaids and sirens
They laughed at my fingers and toes
Such sweet, melodious laughter that bubbles up from their souls.
I was invited to stay with them forever,
To live in their castle under the waves.
I wanted to stay, I was not afraid of leaving my world behind.
But something told me I could not, that I did not belong.
It was with sorrow and tears that they bade me farewell.
And I floated to the surface and broke through to the light.
I washed up on a foreign shore,
One unfamiliar to my maiden eyes.
Then a figure approached me,
He gently lifted me to my feet again.
He helped me walk on unsteady legs.
He led me to a firm rock and bid me wait.
I stayed, for so long I stayed.
I fell into a deep slumber,
When I awoke and my eyes were opened
The sun shone against my eyelashes and warmed my cheeks.
I stood on the pier once more,
Peering over its edge, unprotected, unguarded,
Then I turned around and walked away,
With the sun leading the way.

Shit

Why does everyone's shit have to hit the fan at the same time?
It's just a shit parade on my life.

An Ode to Life

You were right
You get "high" and I get "low"
I was wrong
I can't take it back now
What's done is done
So they sang "let it be, let it be"
But with quickening speed i feel it
My heart shattering like glass on the concrete
Not for you
Not for me
Not for anyone particular
Just the whole of society
This world we live in is fucked up beyond repair
Yet as i walk down the street I see the beauty that He intended
The smile of a baby, a couple of many years holding hands and strolling, a good Samaritan helping the needy
For were we not told to love the unloveable?
I still love you
Will you love me?
I miss the laughs, the jokes, the talks, the cries.
I miss your company as my companion
I wish more than anything that I could help you
I wish I could take your pain and take it on as my own
I wish you were happy without it
But it is not up to me
You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself
We don't love ourselves, you and I
You'll have to fix you
I'll have to fix me
That's the only way things can be done
There's a long road ahead
But I know you'll travel swiftly and truly, because you have the strength
I hope I can be strong too, an I hope I'll make it down that road as well
I hope we'll be able to meet up at the end
I do not want to lose one of my very best friends.

I'm sorry David

David, I failed you
I'm more sorry than you'll ever know
To me those words don't seem like enough
Probably because they aren't
I should have been there for you
I shouldn't have left
I abandoned you for my own selfish desires
When you needed me I was no where to be found
David, I failed you
I'm so sorry

Saved

I just want someone to see
I just want someone to hear
I just want to be happy
I just want to be saved

LIAR.

I feel it
I don't want to believe it
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.
Tell me it's not real
Tell me I didn't
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.
I wish I could be stronger
I wish it wasn't true
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.
Maybe I should accept it
Can I deny its truth?
But there it is
Skin deep
In blood red
LIAR.

A simple prayer

Open me up Lord

Give me strength

Let love come easily

May forgiveness reign down

Make me renewed in You

Amen

untitled

Adore me if you must.
Love all that I am.
Follow me to the ends of the earth if you like.

I can not reciprocate your love.
My heart has hardened.
It has grown cold.
Blackened by the disappointments of this life.

All hope is gone.
All light is dark.
I wish it weren't so.
But what's the use of denying the truth?

I hope better for you though.
I hope you find true love.
I hope you find meaning where I could not.
I hope you discover every happiness.
I hope God blesses you extravagantly.

I have been lost to the polar darkness.
Lost to the sun and to its light.
Lost to life and love.
Lost to happiness and forgiveness.

Do not lose yourself as I have.
Keep striving for the stars and the moon.
Run after the wind with arms wide open.
Jump from hills with joy and land among clouds.
Let your imagination take you to the places of dreams.
Let your heart open itself to all who pass by.

Drink from the fountains of knowledge.
Eat from the fruit of Wisdom.
Partake in the feast of love.
Give yourself wholly and truly to Life Everlasting.

I hope to see you again soon.
Perhaps I am not so lost that I shall be denied at the gates.
For all I long for is peace and rest.
Joy and happiness.
Love and life.
Acceptance and Forgiveness.

It's not so far-fetched is it?

I don't exist

I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
Maybe if she says it enough it will come true.
Maybe He will take her away.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I dont' exist.
She repeats it over and over again.
Nothing happens, nothing ever happens.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
She's still sitting here in this lonely cafe.
Still sitting in her sorrow and pain.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
If she is destined to live can she ever die?
If she is destined to die can she ever live?

Loser of the Love Game

If you only knew then I would be ruined.
I can not let you in, not this time.
My heart beats its wings frantically.
It wants to fly far away from this feeling.
But what is it?
I don't want to know.
At least not yet I don't.
I think?
Do not ask me any questions,
For I can not tell you any lies,
But I can not tell you the truth either.
The words unsaid linger here,
In the space between us.
If I don't know what you feel than how can I tell you what I might feel?
They say all's fair in love and war,
But they lied.
Someone always loses.
And right now I'm the Loser.
Loser of the love game.
How much more tragic can this story get?
Can I catch a break sometime soon?
I take two steps forwards and somehow end up three steps back.
I will never pass "Go" or collect any reward.
I can hide and never be found.
But nobody ever won any game that way.
So I just sit here,
Stagnated.
The Loser of the love game.

A cry to Heaven

Dig me out O Lord.
Only you can.
I can not lift this mountain alone.
I need your helping hand.
Lift me up into your Kingdom.
I'm tired of feeling sad.
My bones are weary and my heart is sore.
Lord, please make it not hurt anymore.
I'm still a child.
But I'm far from innocent.
Lord, take me somewhere.
Where you can stay.
I'll follow you willingly.
Anytime, any day.