Someone else

Sometimes I feel as though someone else is speaking
Playing with my lips and my tongue to make speech come forth
Who they are I do not know
They were here before myself came to be
They knew it all before I ever had a chance to learn
How do they control me so?
I can not breathe so well with them here
They have lodged themselves in my chest
Sitting and waiting to have there moment to shine
But it's nice to have company sometimes
So I don't really mind

What I wish I had said

Everything I wish I had said
Lay still unwritten in my aching head.
You don't know what it's like,
To have someone turn off your light.
And you're alone.
In the dark.
Not a spark.
In the dark.

I wish I had told you that you can't sing.
I wish I had told you that your feet stink.
I wish I had told you that hat was dumb.
I wish I had told you I hated that song.
I wish I had told you that your friends were jerks.
I wish I had told you that your pants were indeed too tight
I wish I had told you I hated your bike.
I wish I had told you that show was weird.
I wish I had told you to get rid of that beard.
I wish I had told you that you were mean.
I wish I had told you that you couldn't love.
There's a list of 100 things I wish I said.
They lay still unwritten in my aching head.

But now I found myself a real man.
He's the greatest love I've ever had.
And I'm so glad you left me alone.
Or else I would've missed my new found home.

I Love You

You're my sunshine,
My peace of mind.
You are the words I can't seem to find.

I want you to know it all,
Feel it all,
See it all.

I want you in my heart,
In my arms,
In my head.

When you are near I can't hear,
My heart beating,
Screaming-
"O MY DEAR!"

Don't you see?
See what you do to me?
I can't breathe.

Because I love you

Try

I AM TRYING!
O, how I am trying...
Trying not to miss your smile, your kiss, your touch...
I know you're not lost
But I miss you still

I want you here...
With me...
I wish you were near...
With me...

Why can't it be normal?
Why can't we be normal?
I guess it wouldn't be the same
For better or for worse..
Right?

Let me Live

You cannot tell me how to live.
I will fall but get back up
You cannot change a streak of badluck
Or prevent a blessing in disguise
If I should fall and scrape my knee,
Please hand me a bandaid and let it be
If I am jumping for joy
Then jump with me in jubilee.
I will not live in fear but faith
I will trust that He knows where I am headed
I will trust that He knows what is best
All I can do is live
So place your judgments elsewhere
You know not my heart and it's condition
Please do not presume that you know best.
I love that you care, but your smothering is killing me slowly and painfully
I have enough guilt and shame on my own without you piling more on also
I will not tell you anything
You have lost that privilege and will never know
Because you are blinded by your own "righteousness"
I have someone higher to confide in
His opinion is the only one that matters
I want to learn from my own mistakes
Not hear what I should and should not do according to you
You broke me that night
At first all was well
You were speaking truth
Then you let yourself be blinded by what "is best for me"
But all I heard was ignorance and misplaced hatred and distrust
Do you honestly think I would be so stupid as to make the same mistake twice?
No, I have learned.
I am not a child, so please don't presume that I should be treated as one.
This is where I am.
Whether you're here with me or not,
I will not be moved by you.
I will step forward and not look back until I hear His command
I have a path to follow which may not make sense to you
But please do not judge me for that.
You do not know where it is that I am going
So please do not try to put me on the path of your making
But rejoice with me as I walk down the one He has made.

Fairy Tale

You're like a fairy tale that I have made
In the depths of my mind you seem to stay
A memory, meant for me.
Something close to the surface still I cannot see
Who it could be, I don't know.
I toss a penny into the sea and watch it sink
I guess that means no wish for me
But how about a prayer if you please?
Mr. starfish let me see.
Into the depths that I have made.
Is that where my true love must stay?
Let the sirens take me down
I will not fight away but follow
To spend just one moment down below
In my fairy tale

Salutations to the Moon

The moon is a liar and the stars his accomplice
He promised me riches and fame
But what was i left with?
Shame and a broken heart.

I knew I knew better,
But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Again I was taken advantage of
And trampled upon once more.

Mr. Moon why did you have to be so good?
Mr. Moon why did you have to be so cruel?
I loved you and let you in my room
But you used and abused your privileges
Leaving me with shame and a broken heart

You left in the morning and left me there
Laying alone and confused when the sun came in.
Not sure if I had made a mistake
Or if I was full of life like I've never known before.

But now I know...
I know how you manipulate
I know how convincing you can be
I know how you lie.

Mr. Moon, I thought I knew you.
I wanted you to know me.
But you never asked the right questions
And now I'm glad you didn't...
At least my heart is something I was able to hold onto, if not my innocence.

The moon is a liar and the stars are his accomplices.
They laughed as he stole what was not his.
He lied his way into my bed.
Leaving me alone in the morning
Left with nothing but,
Shame and a broken heart

Follow Me

Follow me tonight,
And we shall know the moon...

Follow me and learn the story,
A story of adventure and love...

Where does the story end?
Only you can decide..

Which path will you choose?
There is dark and there is light...

I will show which one I prefer,
But it is ultimately your decision...

Can we dance under the stars?
As the waves crash against our feet...

Join me here love,
Join me and love me...

Will you do that?
Come with me and you will see...

See what lies ahead,
And what has passed...

Darling

you bring sunshine with you darling.
you bring light and warmth.

you give me butterflies darling.
you give me flutters and drops.

will you stay with me darling?
will you stay and just be?

can I keep you darling?
can I keep you close by me?

Please

I'm so afraid of what I might do.
What if I....

Don't let me.
Please.

Someone help.
Please....

Displayed

I'm a free spirit darling
You have no choice but to let me go
Don't hang on
I'll drag you down with me

I'm lovely to behold at a distance
But don't get too close
I might burn you with my fury
My rage will capture you too

Love me from behind the glass
Let me be in my solitude
I am ruined
You wouldn't want me truly

I stand here on display for the world
They pick and prod me
They want to capture my beauty
They want to make me stay this way forever

I wish to grow old
I wish to be loved
But I am unworthy
I must stay a display

Yet to be

Broken pieces of a life wasted lay on the floor of this cold house.
The door hangs open and the wind rushes in.
It carries the pieces away.

Love wales to the moon on a cloudless night.
She weeps for her loss in this life.
She cries for her dead lover.

My heart is torn and shredded; it lies in your hands still.
I want it back so that I may try to put it together.
But you squeeze it tight to renew the pain.

If I were a bird I would fly away into the sky until I could no longer breathe.
I would fly all the way to heavens gates and wait patiently.
I would wait until they let me in.

Sleep does not come soon enough to my weary body.
I will make it come if it refuses to come for long.
I will make it come, and I will have rest.

I will remember you

Kiss me sweetly if you could.
Hush your lips against mine.

You do not know your love.
I do not know mine.

Let us learn passion together.
Discovering a new world together.

I want that feeling always.
You want it to, I know it to be true.

Will you hold me close in your arms?
Not like a statue but like a lover?

If I was a flower,
Would you water me with your love?

If you were a sparrow,
I would nest you in my heart.

The sun and the moon were once lovers too.
But they were separated by the stars who disapproved.

Once in a while though,
They join in their eclipse of love and are together again.

You and I are not so different are we?
Torn apart by the world, but join again in time?

I dare to believe the truth of this.
I dare to trust in our love.

Will you remember me when you are old?
Will you remember that you love me?

I will remember you.
I will remember that I love you, forever.

This Child

Whisper to me gently
in the secret of a star
Tell me of your worries
and of your life so far.

Daydreamer dream with me
and write it down later
Love the night and twilight
when dreams are most vivid

Can I know your heart
dear one would you tell me so?
Would you tell me all your  love
if I asked you to?

O lovely child from whence did you come?
a lonely babe on a grassy knoll.
I found you there and held you close
but I never knew you all the better.

Precious lamb that I did find
will you love me for all time?
Precious lamb that I call mine
will you love me for all time?

Love of my Soul

Think of the stars dear one
O how they shine for you tonight

Look beyond the fog
Look beyond the dark
And you will See

O my love, how they shine for you
I asked them to
Just for you

This love of mine is imperishable
Do not ever fear it wasted
It will remain always

The stars hold your future in their midst
Call to them, my darling
Cry out and they will answer you swiftly

Fate is cruel and kind
She is fair and unjust
She is frail and wary

Never fail to believe in the power She holds for you
Ask the stars to reveal Her path

Lover of the night
Cradle me in your heart forever
As I cradle you in my arms now

O how I love you, my loveliest pet
How I wish to watch your journey unfold

I cannot be there to hold your hand through the dark
So let the stars be your guide
And let Fate show you Her way

O love of my soul, do not fret
Do not worry, or jest at others pain
Be kind and let love pour forth from the fountains of your heart
And do forgive me for my transgressions
All I am guilty of is loving you with my whole.
O love of my soul

I've not changed, not really.
You've not changed, not at all.
And yet, we're both so different now.

I'm discovering a better life.
This joy in me is so great that I want it to spill out to you too.
It's not up to me whether you choose to receive it or not.

I've been called out to a greater cause than my own.
This new glory is my life wholly and completely.
But it doesn't mean you can't still be in my life too.

Nay the reason is greater now than if ever before.
I want you, but I no longer need you.
For I have found the only One I need and I am fulfilled.

I wish I could make you see as well.
But it is not time for you.
I hope it will be soon.

This journey before me will be lonely if I dwell in myself and others.
But if I keep my sights on Life Everlasting, I will never have a greater joy.
You don't understand, but that's ok because I'm not forcing you to.

I want you to see Love through me.
Not hypocrisy, or rules, or judgments.
Just Light and Love in a world lacking them.

Conflicted

So confused and at a loss for explanation
What am I gonna do, gonna say?
So much is at stake
So much will be missed
I can't decide
My mind is too small for this
What if someone gets hurt?
What if someone gets lost?
Lord I need you in this with me
If it's your will then let it be done
If not, then help me to see
I need your grace and guidance
I need strength and resistance
Lord bless me with the insight I need to go through
And give me peace with the outcome.

Abba

You make me thirsty Lord
Thirsty for your love
Thirsty for your grace
Thirsty for your presence.
You make my spirit burn Lord
Burn for your glory
Burn for your mercy
Burn for your graciousness.
You make my soul sing Lord
Sing for your praise
Sing for your forgiveness
Sing for your truth.
You bring me strength when I have no more.
You love me when I don't deserve it.
You died so that I could be saved.
I love you Abba.

why I FUCKING HATE amtrack

Today I was supposed to go home from a dear friends house at 10:40 am by bus and connect to a train. This did not happen.... Instead we missed the bus and had to wait until 3:35 pm for the next bus. This upset me but it was partially my own fault that I missed it. So we come back to the station at 3:15 pm and the bus is now 15 min late. Now I was getting even more angry. We wait and finally it arrives 30 minutes later. I get on, say my goodbyes to my friend, and board the bus....which is nearly full.... So I take the last empty pair of seats right up front, and then a small Asian lady boards and sits in the seat next to me rather quickly...on my purse. I notify her that my purse is underneath her tight little ass and she pulls it from behind her and throws it in the ground without a word....I have an hr on this fucking bus with her. Well finally I arrive at the train station and rush to the tracks. I board a train that someone mistakingly tells me is the one I need. I sit down. Get comfortable. Then I decide I should ask another passenger to be sure. It's not my train. So I grab all my shit and rush off right before it leaves the station. I go to the ticket master counter and inquire as when my train should arrive. The young man tells me that it will be announced on the overheads shortly. I ask if he can just tell me which track I should go to to wait? He says that also will be announced shortly......fucker..... So I go outside and here that the Sacramento bound train is on track four and will be departing in five minutes. I run to the track and jump on right before the doors close. Thankfully I run into an employee and double check that I am indeed on the correct train. He assures me that I am. So I clumsily climb the narrow staircase and bump into about 4 people along my walk to a suitable seat for me and my belongings. I get out my lovely laptop and try to pull up netflix....it's blocked by the network....fuckers.....I try hulu.....also blocked by the network.....fuckers......I try youtube and several other streaming sites I can think of.....all blocked by the network. Every webpage I go to takes forever to load....and I for got my complete set of Harry Potter dvd's at my friends house....shit on my life..... And on top of it all aunt Flo came to town. Best. Day. Ever....-_-

Lost One

I love the sound of footsteps in the sand
And wooden soled shoes on wet cobblestones.

I can't see someone cry without crying myself.
I'm not as strong as I should be.

I love squishy pillows and soft blankets,
I want to go...anywhere...everywhere.

Do you know me?
I wish I did.

Everyone's looking for themselves.
And I'm just one of them...one of the lost ones.

What the fuck?
Why is this happening
More and more
I don't want this anymore
To be honest I never did
Take me home
Somewhere I know